Am I Filling Out A Pre-School, College or Dating Service Application?

madelyne starting preschool

Madelyne is starting preschool next year in our city public school system. Yesterday, I received an email from the Director of the program welcoming us to the school and attached “some” forms to fill out. Now, some to me means 3 or 4 pages…or in this case 12. Twelve pages of information. Madelyne is 4. I’m not sure she’s been alive long enough to warrant 12 pages of information.

I understand that some of these forms have to be filled out by law. However, I’m not sure what might be too much information or not enough on some of these forms.

Take the medical form, for example. Some of the questions, I feel might need further explanation. Hearing problems: Medically, no but psychologically, she does have selective hearing like when she’s told not to run for the 800th time at the public pool and then the lifeguard blows her whistle hence startling her whereupon she falls on her butt on the tile and thinks it’s funny so she continues to run.

What about the menstrual problems question? On a preschool medical form? Are they asking about mine because I’m pretty sure Madelyne is a little too young right now. What about Birth History? Do they want to know that it was 27 hours of pure hell and I truly believe that an epidural is a gift from God?

Then there is the Family and Social History portion. Am I married? God no. Am I living with someone? Umm…my parents because I’m cool? Is there a stepfather in the picture? No because I hate dating but I like sex so if there are any single dads in the program that would be great?

Am I divorced? Yes. If so, please add remarks. Should I say, “See Attached” and give them a copy of my book? How is the relationship of the child with the father? Well, he hasn’t seen her in three years so I guess it’s not too great? Is there a stepmother in the picture? Ummm…he’s engaged for the 5th time but my friends and family are taking bets on how many more “stepmothers” there will be by the time Madelyne finishes high school?

And then there are the questions that depend on which day you’re asking. How would you describe your child’s personality? She’s 4. Her personality changes every hour. What time does your child awaken in the morning? If she’s crabby, the rule is not to “awaken” the sleeping beast. Word child uses for bowel movement: Again, she’s 4 so right now she says the word poopy to describe most things. I’m poopy, she’s poopy, the squirrel is poopy, my work is poopy, her shoes are poopy, you get the picture. Time of the day when she usually has a bowel movement: Ummm…I don’t write it on my schedule but when I hear her singing in the bathroom and then pausing to grunt, I’m pretty sure there’s some poopy going on.

Are there any brothers/sisters? Well, I had major postpartum after Madelyne was born and I don’t really remember the last time I’ve had a good night’s sleep so is the answer no or hell-for-the-love-of-God-no?

And that’s only the first 5 pages – 7 more to go…